What Does “I’m Fine” Really Mean?

Alright men, the time has come to buckle your seat belts and get ready to dive into our favorite two words: I’m Fine. The go-to, the ole reliable, the tried-and-true response of every man out there that thinks they can’t share what they are feeling or don’t know how to express it. It is the response that most of our spouses or significant others hear far too often when they ask us “How are you doing?” Often, it is said with a smile on our face that belies what is brewing inside of us, and it hides the truth that we don’t want, or aren’t strong enough, to show…that we are not okay. But when we say “I’m fine” what are we really saying?

For me, when other men say I’m fine, what I hear is there are “Feelings I’m Not Expressing”, F.I.N.E. Now, I would love to take credit for this clever little acronym but, truth be told, I saw it on an Instagram clip while doom scrolling one day. I wish I could remember the name of the lady that posted it because they deserve the credit. However, that is not going to stop us from using it as well, nor does it take away from the validity of the statement itself. Anyway, back to us and the feelings that we are not expressing.

I want you to take a moment to reflect on a couple of questions here. First, how many times in your life do you think that you have answered “I’m fine” when you knew you weren’t? Second, and more importantly, why didn’t you answer truthfully when you were asked? The latter question is often the easiest one to answer, if we are honest reflecting on ourselves that is. You see, emotional maturity is just like anything else. If you want to be good at it you need to practice it daily, and always be willing to have an honest self-assessment. If we look at professional athletes we will see there are very few who were truly good that didn’t dedicate their life to their craft. If we want to emotionally mature, with a high level of emotional intelligence, it is going to take effort and grinding daily, especially at the beginning.

Now that you have had some time to think about it, what were some of your answers? We’re you afraid to put more burden on a loved one? Did you think your friends would think differently of you if you showed emotion? We’re you led to believe that sharing emotions is a sign of weakness in men? Or, perhaps, were you unaware of what you were truly feeling and didn’t have the words to adequately express it? Whatever the reason, I would love for you to leave a comment about it in the post. I think you will find that you are not alone in any of this, and that can be a huge help in the beginning of the journey.

There is no doubt going to be a variety of answers to the questions above, and that is okay. That being said, the answer that I have found most prevalent among men that I have talked to, and this was certainly true for me, is that they were never told that it was okay to express their emotions. They were either told this outright by someone in their life, or it was inferred and reinforced throughout their life because the male influences in their lives never had a healthy relationship with their own emotions. Unfortunately this leads many of us to internalize all of our feelings and emotions, which ends up being a detriment to ourselves and those around us. Oftentimes this goes on so long that all of these feelings consume us and we either break down completely or lash out at those closest to us. Neither of these responses are healthy and both are merely a visceral projection of the culmination of our emotions and not the real, raw emotions themselves.

At first it can be extremely difficult to truly understand and process what it is that we are feeling in the moment, or even after the fact. Oversimplification is pretty common at the beginning of this journey. This is, of course, my personal opinion based on my own life experiences and conversations with the various men I encounter in my daily life, and not a scientific fact. However, this was especially true for me when my ex-wife would ask me how I am doing. My answers were typically limited to I’m fine, angry, or sad. That’s it, nothing more usually. Now, was I actually feeling those things in the given moment? Maybe, but the truth of the matter is that my true feelings were really much more complex than that. I was sad that I had caused her pain, embarrassed and ashamed of the mistakes I had made, I felt hurt by the actions of others in my life, I was jealous, I was confused. Instead of saying all of that, I let those feelings manifest in other ways that were disastrous for me, my ex-wife, my marriage, and my kids, and the common manifestation of those unresolved emotions was anger. The “anger” answer will be addressed in a separate post. There is a whole list of things to unpack with that answer.

So, how about all of you? What is your default response when your spouse asks you how you are doing? What does that response look like when it’s one of your friends asking? Does the answer stay the same and, if not, why? What are the emotions that you are suppressing? I would love to hear from you guys in the comments, or you can email me at austen@sldconversations.com. Nobody has to go through this alone, and I want you all to know that you can reach out. I look forward to hearing from you all and walking further down this journey with you.